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Shrek Script

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print("Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love s first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon s keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love s first kiss. (laughs) Like that s ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK S HOME MAN1 Think it s in there? MAN2 All right. Let s get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah it ll grind your bones for it s bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes well actually that would be a giant. Now ogres oh they re much worse. They ll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They ll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually it s quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.)   Wanted. Fairy tale creatures.  (He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage Gipetto who s carrying Pinocchio and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one s full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch s broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That s 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please don t turn me in. I ll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I m not a puppet. I m a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father please! Don t let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well I ve got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well that s good for ten shillings if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh go ahead little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh oh he s just...he s just a little nervous. He s really quite a chatterbox. Talk you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That s it. I ve heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No no he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I m the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan s hands and her cage drops on Donkey s head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he s able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha ha! That s right fool! Now I m a flying talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain t never seen a donkey fly. Ha ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He s getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen you was really really really somethin  back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin  to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin  to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up and bam! They was trippin  over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh that s great. Really. DONKEY Man it s good to be free. SHREK Now why don t you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But uh I don t have any friends. And I m not goin  out there by myself. Hey wait a minute! I got a great idea! I ll stick with you. You re mean green fightin  machine. Together we ll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh wow! That was really scary. If you don t mind me sayin  if that don t work your breath certainly will get the job done  cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something  cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I ll tell you why. (singing)  Cause I m all alone There s no one here beside me My problems have all gone There s no one to deride me But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It s no wonder you don t have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I m an ogre! You know.   Grab your torch and pitchforks.   Doesn t that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man I like you. What s you name? SHREK Uh Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well you know what I like about you Shrek? You got that kind of I-don t-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek s cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who d want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It s amazing what you ve done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don t entertain much do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know I do too. That s another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You ve trying to give them a hint and they won t leave. There s that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh what? DONKEY Can I stay with you please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don t wanna go back there! You don t know what it s like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well maybe you do. But that s why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late swappin  manly stories and in the mornin  I m makin  waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do uh I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh well I guess that s cool. I mean I don t know you and you don t know me so I guess outside is best you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean I do like the outdoors. I m a donkey. I was born outside. I ll just be sitting by myself outside I guess you know. By myself outside. I m all alone...there s no one here beside me... SHREK S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well gents it s a far cry from the farm but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It s not home but it ll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek s ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh no no no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed s taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I m a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right get out of here. All of you move it! Come on! Let s go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No no! No no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey don t look at me. I didn t invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh gosh no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh pick me! Oh I know! I know! Me me! SHREK (sigh) Okay fine. Attention all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact I m gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You re comin  with me. DONKEY All right that s what I like to hear man. Shrek and Donkey two stalwart friends off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me Shrek. I can t wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right hum it. Donkey begins to hum  On the Road Again . DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He s continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That s enough. He s ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man s legs and plays with them) Run run run as fast as you can. You can t catch me. I m the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I m not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad s eye.) FARQUAAD I ve tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I ll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man s buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No no not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who s hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay I ll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes I know the muffin man who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well she s married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She s married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don t tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well technically you re not a king. FARQUAAD Uh Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you re not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So just sit back and relax my lord because it s time for you to meet today s eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men she s not easy. Just kiss her dead frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last but certainly not last bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don t let that cool you off. She s a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three my lord! FARQUAAD Okay okay uh number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad you ve chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She s perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I ll do it. MIRROR Yes but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain assemble your finest men. We re going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that s it. That s it right there. That s DuLoc. I told ya I d find it. SHREK So that must be Lord Farquaad s castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That s the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he s compensating for something? (He laughs but then groans as Donkey doesn t get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey wait. Wait up Shrek. MAN Hurry darling. We re late. Hurry. SHREK Hey you! (The attendant who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look I m not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It s quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked  Information . The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don t make waves stay in line And we ll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes wipe your... face DuLoc is DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek s picture. DONKEY Wow! Let s do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey s tail and holds him still) No. No. No no no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You re going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die but it s a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It s hideous! SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah that s not very nice. It s just a donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! MEN Get him! SHREK Oh hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can t we just settle this over a pint? CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It s like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it s ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I m not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Hey Shrek tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man s head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd. SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek but Shrek turns in time and sees him. WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild. SHREK Oh yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I m here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give the order sir? FARQUAAD No I have a better idea. People of DuLoc I give you our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations ogre. You re won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK Quest? I m already in a quest a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. All right ogre. I ll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me and I ll give you your swamp back. SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion. DONKEY Let me get this straight. You re gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don t have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK You know maybe there s a good reason donkeys shouldn t talk. DONKEY I don t get it. Why don t you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him lay siege to his fortress grinds his bones to make your bread the whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike gotten a knife cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? DONKEY Uh no not really no. SHREK For your information there s a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example? Okay um ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion) DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink? SHREK Yes - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY You leave them in the sun they get all brown start sproutin  little white hairs. SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK I don t care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person you say   Let s get some parfait   they say   Hell no I don t like no parfait  ? Parfaits are delicious. SHREK No! You dense irritating miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. SHREK You know I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I m making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. DRAGON S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that s supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK Believe me Donkey if it was me you d be dead. (sniffs) It s brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY Yeah right brimstone. Don t be talking about it s the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn t no brimstone. It didn t come off no stone neither. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding. SHREK Sure it s big enough but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) DONKEY Uh Shrek? Uh remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK Oh aye. DONKEY Well I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don t have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don t have sleeves. DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can t tell me you re afraid of heights. DONKEY No I m just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK Come on Donkey. I m right here beside ya okay? For emotional support. we ll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY Really? SHREK Really really. DONKEY Okay that makes me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep moving. And don t look down. DONKEY Okay don t look down. Don t look down. Don t look down. Keep on moving. Don t look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I m lookin  down! Oh God I can t do this! Just let me off please! SHREK But you re already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay fine. I don t have time for this. You go back. DONKEY Shrek no! Wait! SHREK Just Donkey - - Let s have a dance then shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge) DONKEY Don t do that! SHREK Oh I m sorry. Do what? Oh this? (bounces the bridge again) DONKEY Yes that! SHREK Yes? Yes do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) DONKEY No Shrek! No! Stop it! SHREK You said do it! I m doin  it. DONKEY I m gonna die. I m gonna die. Shrek I m gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That ll do Donkey. That ll do. (walks towards the castle) DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin  about the dragon Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps)  Cause there s nothin  wrong with bein  afraid. Fear s a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire it sure doesn t mean you re a coward if you re a little scared. I sure as heck ain t no coward. I know that. SHREK Donkey two things okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin  for the princess. SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY What makes you think she ll be there? SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I ll handle the stairs. I ll find those stairs. I ll whip their butt too. Those stairs won t know which way they re goin . (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room. DONKEY I m gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don t mess with me. I m the stair master. I ve mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I d step all over it. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well at least we know where the princess is but where s the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it s tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he s on. DONKEY No. Oh no No! (the dragon roars) Oh what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food but you must bleach  cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You re - - You re a girl dragon! Oh sure! I mean of course you re a girl dragon. You re just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What s the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man I d really love to stay but you know I m uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of a heart right at him and he coughs) I m an asthmatic and I don t know if it d work out if you re gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK Oh that s nice. Now let s go! FIONA But wait Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful romantic moment? SHREK Yeah sorry lady. There s no time. FIONA Hey wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK You ve had a lot of time to plan this haven t you? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK I don t think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK Uh Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn t slay the dragon? SHREK It s on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.) FIONA But this isn t right! You were meant to charge in sword drawn banner flying. That s what all the other knights did. SHREK Yeah right before they burst into flame. FIONA That s not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit s over there. SHREK Well I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down baby please. I believe it s healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don t want to rush into a physical relationship. I m not emotionally ready for a commitment of uh this - - Magnitude really is the word I m looking for. Magnitude- - Hey that is unwanted physical contact. Hey what are you doing? Okay okay. Let s just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I m on the road a lot but I just love receiving cards - - I d really love to stay but - - Don t do that! That s my tail! That s my personal tail. You re gonna tear it off. I don t give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey now. No way. No! No! No no! No. No no no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that s connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks  butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head but it s too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very  Matrix  style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her. DONKEY Hi Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah it s getting him to shut up that s the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona. SHREK Okay you two heard for the exit! I ll take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she s unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away. FIONA (sliding down the  volcano  hill) You did it! You rescued me! You re amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You re - - You re wonderful. You re... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I ll admit. But thy deed is great and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I m a steed. FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet good Sir Knight. SHREK Uh no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would st look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK No no you wouldn t - -  st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn t in the job description. DONKEY Maybe it s a perk. FIONA No it s destiny. Oh you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight and then they share true love s first kiss. DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? FIONA Well yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing. DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love! FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let s just say I m not your type okay?Fiona: Of course you are. You re my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK Look. I really don t think this is a good idea. FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I m not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - You re a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh you were expecting Prince Charming. FIONA Well yes actually. Oh no. This is all wrong. You re not supposed to be an ogre. SHREK Princess I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. FIONA Then why didn t he come rescue me? SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love not by some ogre and his- - his pet. DONKEY Well so much for noble steed. SHREK You re not making my job any easier. FIONA I m sorry but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly I ll be waiting for him right here. SHREK Hey! I m no one s messenger boy all right? (ominous) I m a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) FIONA You wouldn t dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin  Donkey? DONKEY I m right behind ya. FIONA Put me down or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her. DONKEY Okay so here s another question. Say there s a woman that digs you right but you don t really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren t hurt but you don t get burned to a crisp and eaten? FIONA You just tell her she s not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. DONKEY You re gonna love it there Princess. It s beautiful! FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What s he like? SHREK Let me put it this way Princess. Men of Farquaad s stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime. DONKEY I don t know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it both of you. You re just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah well maybe you re right Princess. But I ll let you do the   measuring   when you see him tomorrow. FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It ll take that long? Shouldn t we stop to make camp? SHREK No that ll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA But there s robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. SHREK Hey come on. I m scarier than anything we re going to see in this forest. FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now! Both Donkey and Shrek s ears lower as they shrink away from her. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave. SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek we can do better than that. I don t think this is fit for a princess. FIONA No no it s perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door? Well gentlemen I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her) DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh come on. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK And uh that one that s Throwback the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK The stars don t tell the future Donkey. They tell stories. Look there s Bloodnut the Flatulent. You can guess what he s famous for. DONKEY I know you re making this up. SHREK No look. There he is and there s the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY That ain t nothin  but a bunch of little dots. SHREK You know Donkey sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey Shrek what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know when we re through rescuing the princess. SHREK We? Donkey there s no   we  . There s no   our  . There s just me and my swamp. The first thing I m gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY You cut me deep Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK No do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin  something? SHREK Never mind Donkey. DONKEY Oh this is another one of those onion things isn t it? SHREK No this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY Why don t you want to talk about it? SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I m not blocking. DONKEY Oh yes you are. SHREK Donkey I m warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh now we re gettin  somewhere. (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the  door  away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her. SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down) DONKEY What s your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? SHREK Look I m not the one with the problem okay? It s the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go.   Aah! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!   They judge me before they even know me. That s why I m better off alone. DONKEY You know what? When we met I didn t think you was just a big stupid ugly ogre. SHREK Yeah I know. DONKEY So uh are there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well there s um Gabby the Small and Annoying. DONKEY Okay okay I see it now. The big shiny one right there. That one there? Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That s the moon. DONKEY Oh okay. DuLoc - Farquaad s Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Again show me again. Mirror mirror show her to me. Show me the princess. MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror. MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey s talking in his sleep. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm yeah you know I like it like that. Come on baby. I said I like it. SHREK Donkey wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm how do you like your eggs? DONKEY Oh good morning Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What s all this about? FIONA You know we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean after all you did rescue me. SHREK Uh thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well eat up. We ve got a big day ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It s a compliment. Better out than in I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well it s no way to behave in front of a princess. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She s as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know you re not exactly what I expected. FIONA Well maybe you shouldn t judge people before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD Be still mon cherie for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast. SHREK Hey! That s my princess! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please monster! Can t you see I m a little busy here? FIONA (getting fed up) Look pal I don t know who you think you are! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh Merry Men. (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin s theme song. MERRY MEN Ta dah dah dah whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy. MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage ROBIN HOOD But I m not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels man I m good. MERRY MEN What a guy Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... MERRY MEN What he s basically saying is he likes to get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That s bad. MERRY MEN That s bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty s with a beast it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN He s mad he s really really mad. ROBIN HOOD I ll take my blade and ram it through your heart keep your eyes on me boys  cause I m about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek s arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting  Matrix  moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down and Fiona begins walking away. FIONA Uh shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa whoa whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone uh one has to learn these things in case there s a...(gasps and points) there s an arrow in your butt! SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it s tender) FIONA Oh no. This is all my fault. I m so sorry. DONKEY (walking up) Why? What s wrong? FIONA Shrek s hurt. DONKEY Shrek s hurt. Shrek s hurt? Oh no Shrek s gonna die. SHREK Donkey I m okay. DONKEY You can t do this to me Shrek. I m too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower red thorns. Okay I m on it. Blue flower red thorns. Don t die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh yeah. Right. Blue flower red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it s obvious) For getting rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still and I ll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin . As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands. FIONA I m sorry but it has to come out. SHREK No it s tender. FIONA Now hold on. SHREK What you re doing is the opposite of help. FIONA Don t move. SHREK Look time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower red thorns. Blue flower red thorns. Blue flower red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn t color-blind! Blue flower red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on Shrek! I m comin ! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It s just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just uh - - DONKEY Look if you wanted to be alone all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh come on! That s the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow! DONKEY Hey what s that? (nervous chuckle) That s...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won t get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it s upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that s on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it s a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake blowing it up fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is Princess. Your future awaits you. FIONA That s DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah I know. You know Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad s compensating for something which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um I uh- - I guess we better move on. FIONA Sure. But Shrek? I m - - I m worried about Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean look at him. He doesn t look so good. DONKEY What are you talking about? I m fine. FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That s what they always say and then next thing you know you re on your back. (pause) Dead. SHREK You know she s right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? FIONA Uh you know I ll make you some tea. DONKEY I didn t want to say nothin  but I got this twinge in my neck and when I turn my head like this look (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Who s hungry? I ll find us some dinner. FIONA I ll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey where you goin ? Oh man I can t feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don t have any toes! I think I need a hug. SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? SHREK Uh weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well this is delicious. SHREK Well they re also great in stews. Now I don t mean to brag but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I ll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I ll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup fish eye tartare - - you name it. FIONA (smiles) I d like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um Princess? FIONA Yes Shrek? SHREK I um I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man isn t this romantic? Just look at that sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh no! I mean it s late. I-It s very late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what s goin  on here. You re afraid of the dark aren t you? FIONA Yes! Yes that s it. I m terrified. You know I d better go inside. DONKEY Don t feel bad Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark too until - - Hey no wait. I m still afraid of the dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what s goin  on here. SHREK Oh what are you talkin  about? DONKEY I don t even wanna hear it. Look I m an animal and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin  on each other. I could feel it. SHREK You re crazy. I m just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY Oh come on Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. SHREK I- - There s nothing to tell. Besides even if I did tell her that well you know - - and I m not sayin  I do  cause I don t - - she s a princess and I m - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey where you goin ? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen. DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows but we can t see her. DONKEY It s very spooky in here. I ain t playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn t look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh no! DONKEY No help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No it s okay. It s okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess? FIONA Donkey I m the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It s me in this body. DONKEY Oh my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen keep breathing! I ll get you out of there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle and he quiets down. DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You re uh uh uh different. FIONA I m ugly okay? DONKEY Well yeah! Was it something you ate?  Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat I said. Now - - FIONA No. I - - I ve been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean? Look I ain t never seen you like this before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down.   By night one way by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love s first kiss... and then take love s true form.   DONKEY Ah that s beautiful. I didn t know you wrote poetry. FIONA It s a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That s why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) DONKEY All right all right. Calm down. Look it s not that bad. You re not that ugly. Well I ain t gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek s ugly 24-7. FIONA But Donkey I m a princess and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY Princess how  bout if you don t marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only my true love s kiss can break the spell. DONKEY But you know um you re kind of an orge and Shrek - - well you got a lot in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand. SHREK (to himself) Princess I - - Uh how s it going first of all? Good? Um good for me too. I m okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it s pretty and - - well I don t really like it but I thought you might like it  cause you re pretty. But I like you anyway. I d - - uh uh...(sighs) I m in trouble. Okay here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking. FIONA (os) I can t just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me Donkey. I mean really who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly?   Princess   and   ugly   don t go together. That s why I can t stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away. INSIDE FIONA Don t you see Donkey? That s just how it has to be. It s the only way to break the spell. DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. FIONA No! You can t breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY What s the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won t tell. Promise! DONKEY All right all right. I won t tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over I m gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin . Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill. MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower. FIONA I tell him I tell him not. I tell him I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek there s something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her. FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don t - - There s something I have to tell you. SHREK You don t have to tell me anything Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA You heard what I said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you d understand. SHREK Oh I understand. Like you said   Who could love a hideous ugly beast?   FIONA But I thought that wouldn t matter to you. SHREK Yeah? Well it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah right on time. Princess I ve brought you a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he s only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by. DONKEY What d I miss? What d I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn t have been the donkey. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp cleared out as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me Princess for startling you but you startled me for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I m Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh no no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me my lord for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh that is so sweet. You don t have to waste good manners on the ogre. It s not like it has feelings. FIONA No you re right. It doesn t. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona beautiful fair flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I ll start the plans for tomorrow we wed! FIONA No! I mean uh why wait? Let s get married today before the sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh anxious are you? You re right. The sooner the better. There s so much to do! There s the caterer the cake the band the guest list. Captain round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well ogre. Farquaad s whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go. DONKEY Shrek what are you doing? You re letting her get away. SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek there s something about her you don t know. Look I talked to her last night She s - - SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You re great pals aren t ya? Now if you two are such good friends why don t you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek I - - I wanna go with you. SHREK I told you didn t I? You re not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless pathetic annoying talking donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone. SHREK S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate. SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he s doing.) What are you doing? DONKEY I would think of all people you would recognize a wall when you see one. SHREK Well yeah. But the wall s supposed to go around my swamp not through it. DONKEY It is around your half. See that s your half and this is my half. SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock the one that looks like your head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY No you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go Donkey! DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away) DONKEY Hey hey come back here. I m not through with you yet. SHREK Well I m through with you. DONKEY Uh-uh. You know with you it s always   Me me me!   Well guess what! Now it s my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don t appreciate anything that I do! You re always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK Oh yeah? Well if I treated you so bad how come you came back? DONKEY Because that s what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh yeah. You re right Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin  me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) DONKEY Ohh! You re so wrapped up in layers onion boy you re afraid of your own feelings. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There you are  doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you maybe even love you. SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY She wasn t talkin  about you. She was talkin  about uh somebody else. SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn t talking about me? Well then who was she talking about? DONKEY Uh-uh no way. I ain t saying anything. You don t wanna listen to me. Right? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay look. I m sorry all right? (sigh) I m sorry. I guess I am just a big stupid ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? DONKEY Hey that s what friends are for right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So um what did Fiona say about me? DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don t you just go ask her? SHREK The wedding! We ll never make it in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear for where there s a will there s a way and I have a way. (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess it s just my animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw come here you. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right all right. Don t get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right hop on and hold on tight. I haven t had a chance to install the seat belts yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says  Revered Silence . PRIEST People of DuLoc we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the   I do s  ? FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you I ll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek wait wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right don t you? SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about? DONKEY There s a line you gotta wait for. The preacher s gonna say   Speak now or forever hold your peace.   That s when you say   I object!   SHREK I don t have time for this! DONKEY Hey wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look you love this woman don t you? SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey s shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see. PRIEST And so by the power vested in me... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town s in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife... Outside DONKEY They re at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it. SHREK Oh for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey who hits the ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi everyone. Havin  a good time are ya? I love DuLoc first of all. Very clean. FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really it s rude enough being alive when no one wants you but showing up uninvited to a wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh now you wanna talk? It s a little late for that so if you ll excuse me - - SHREK But you can t marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he s just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona don t listen to him. SHREK He s not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love? SHREK Well I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh good Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says  Laugh . The whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It s preposterous! Fiona my love we re but a kiss away from our   happily ever after.   Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her but she pulls back.) FIONA (looking at the setting sun)   By night one way by day another.   (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile. SHREK Well uh that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It s disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them. SHREK No no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding and that makes me king! See? See? FIONA No let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don t just stand there you morons. SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I ll make you regret the day we met. I ll see you drawn and quartered! You ll beg for death to save you! FIONA No Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona s throat) And as for you my wife... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I ll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I m king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here and I m not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I m a donkey on the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad s crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground. DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last do they? The congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead Shrek. SHREK Uh Fiona? FIONA Yes Shrek? SHREK I - - I love you. FIONA Really? SHREK Really really. FIONA (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes  Awwww  on the back and then shows it to the congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She s lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her. WHISPERS   Until you find true love s first kiss and then take love s true form. Take love s true form. Take love s true form.   Suddenly Fiona s eyes open wide. She s consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground. SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? FIONA (standing up she s still an ogre) Well yes. But I don t understand. I m supposed to be beautiful. SHREK But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into... THE SWAMP ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married.  I m a Believer  by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. GINGERBREAD MAN God bless us every one. DONKEY (as he s done singing and we fade to black) Oh that s funny. Oh. Oh. I can t breathe. I can t breathe. THE END")
print("Director	Credit")
print("Andrew Adamson	Director")
print("Vicky Jenson	Director")
print("Writer	Credit")
print("Chris Miller	Additional Dialogue")
print("Cody Cameron	Additional Dialogue")
print("Conrad Vernon	Additional Dialogue")
print("Joe Stillman	Written By")
print("Roger S.H. Schulman	Written By")
print("Ted Elliott	Written By")
print("Terry Rossio	Written By")
print("William Steig	Book Shrek!")
print("Principal Cast	Credit")
print("Eddie Murphy	Donkey")
print("Mike Myers	Shrek")
print("Cast	Credit")
print("Bobby Block	Baby Bear")
print("Cameron Diaz	Princess Fiona")
print("Chris Miller	Geppetto/Magic Mirror")
print("Christopher Knights	Blind Mouse/Thelonious")
print("Clive Pearse	Ogre Hunter")
print("Cody Cameron	Pinocchio/Three Pigs")
print("Jim Cummings	Captain Of Guards")
print("John Lithgow	Lord Farquaad")
print("Kathleen Freeman	Old Woman")
print("Michael Galasso	Peter Pan")
print("Peter Dennis	Ogre Hunter")
print("Simon J. Smith	Blind Mouse")
print("Vincent Cassel	Monsieur Hood")
print("Producer	Credit")
print("Aron Warner	Producer")
print("David Lipman	Co-Executive Producer")
print("Jane Hartwell	Associate Producer")
print("Jeffrey Katzenberg	Producer")
print("John H. Williams	Producer")
print("Linda Olszewski	Assistant Producer")
print("Penney Finkelman Cox	Executive Producer")
print("Sandra Rabins	Executive Producer")
print("Steven Spielberg	Executive Producer")
print("Ted Elliott	Co-Producer")
print("Terry Rossio	Co-Producer")
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